Hello, goddammit. Welcome to my every-day-is-Halloween world. I, FUgly the KlowN, am the world's only FROWNING telegram klown.
Hire my rubber-nosed and floppy-shoed ass to entertain your spouse, relative, friend, co-worker, therapist, or even mistress. After being given "the poop" on the person in question (basic background, nicknames, job title, most embarrassing moment, etc), I will then arrive at the agreed-upon meeting point (place of employment, local restaurant, etc), and provide them with the personalized comic roasting of their lives. (They don't call me "the Don Rickles of clowns" for nothing.) FYI: My hi-freakin'-larious visits generally function best in a SURPRISE context.
Your unsuspecting acquaintance will come away from the FUgly experience feeling infinitely better about themself, if for no other damn reason than this: life could ALWAYS be worse. They could be attempting to make their living as a depressed klown. (A klown who actually despises clowns, no less.)
BUST A GUT!
POP A CLOT!
RIP A STITCH!
I am available for...
* SURPRISE OFFICE VISITS (That drab cubicle is two size-32 clown shoes away from a multi-colored, one-klown circus...)
* GENERAL BIRTHDAY GREETINGS (Of the guffaw-inducing variety that entail an encounter with a Prozac-snorting klown)
* WEDDINGS/FUNERALS (Funerals always 1/2 price)
NOTE: And no, I do not perform for kids, damn it. I have a dread fear of children. Seriously. And while it's true that I only entertain adults, any assumption that I am in any way, shape or form a stripping klown is completely false. Trust me. I don't even like to see myself naked. And for the broken record, I am not an "evil," "psycho," or "killer" clown. Those are shallow and outdated clown stereotypes perpetuated by the mainstream media. I'm simply a sad - nay - depressed Prozac-snorting klown, just like you.
Serving select areas of Austin, Texas only. Unless you want to shell out the funny money to fly me to your thrilling little event and back.
Raised (lowered is more like it) by foster parents as Shat-Upon the Anti-Clown in Shinola, IL, I later ran away and joined the circus that is Sh*tcago, where I hosted Hell, a WCBR FM radio show, and appeared on the boob tube in episodes of Wild
Chicago and The WGN Morning News (home of Bozo's Circus). I also found myself gloriously featured in "alternative" news weekly, New City (which, incidentally, makes a great litter box liner), as well as demoralized in cartoon form by beloved illustrator, Ivan Brunetti. However, after years of enduring heatstroke and frostbite, I'd had my fill of the Broken Windy City.
Following my move to Hollyw%d, I reverted to my birthname, FUgly the KlowN, and entered into litigation (which continues to this day) with my diabolical/biological deadbeat daddy and mommy dearest, Tony Clifton and Goria Steinem. There in the land of store-bought tits, I denied being Andy Kaufman (especially after arriving at the Man on the Moon premiere in a super stretch limo) while I performed my "sit-down komedy" routine outside the Improv, Comedy Store, and Laugh Factory. The nascent days of online radio found me as the host of One Beat Off on LuxuriaMusic. (What an afterthought that was.) I also appeared, against my will, on Mark Ebner's Drastic Radio and L.A. cable cult classic, Call If You Dare with Mickey Ramos. Alas, the Mayor of La La Land asked me to leave, after I refused to have collagen injected into my frown.
Now, after snorting mountains of Prozac, I've finally stumbled upon true weirdness in Awe-Stun, TX and/or Hell. At last, I've found my people. Or some such people. In addition to being the world's only frowning telegram klown, I'm on the radio via the dirty air waves of KAOS FM. You can also find me "entertaining" the drunken masses at Austin comedy clubs (all two of 'em) such as The Velveeta Room or Cap City Comedy Club. And so the twisted tale continues to contort. In the meantime, hire me so I can maintain my serious Prozac habit.
FUGLY FACTOIDS: While living in Hollyw%d, FUgly failed a fothermucking audition for The New Gong Show. He was then eliminated in the eleventh hour as a goddamn contestant on Win Ben Stein's Money. The klown with the frown had the further distinction of being the proverbial nail in the coffin of failed dot com start-up, Comedy World 1050 AM, after they promised him his own show. FUgly also was unceremoniously booted from the Tinsel Town offices of KLSX FM by big shot Program Director, Jack "The Ego" Silver, even though the klown with the frown had been hired to be on the premises by an intrepid KLSX employee. Does the fun ever start?
* denotes "obscene" vowel as per the F.u.C.k.C.