Hello, goddammit. Welcome to my every-day-is-Halloween world. I, FUgly the KlowN, am the world's only FROWNING telegram klown.
Hire my rubber-nosed and floppy-shoed ass to entertain your spouse, relative, friend, co-worker, therapist, or even mistress. After being given "the poop" on the person in question (basic background, nicknames, job title, most embarrassing moment, etc), I will then arrive at the agreed-upon meeting point (place of employment, local restaurant, etc), and provide them with the personalized comic roasting of their lives. (They don't call me "the Don Rickles of clowns" for nothing.) FYI: My hi-freakin'-larious visits generally function best in a SURPRISE context.
Your unsuspecting acquaintance will come away from the FUgly experience feeling infinitely better about themself, if for no other damn reason than this: life could ALWAYS be worse. They could be attempting to make their living as a depressed klown. (A klown who actually despises clowns, no less.)
BUST A GUT!
POP A CLOT!
RIP A STITCH!
I am available for...
* SURPRISE OFFICE VISITS (That drab cubicle is two size-32 clown shoes away from a multi-colored, one-klown circus...)
* GENERAL BIRTHDAY GREETINGS (Of the guffaw-inducing variety that entail an encounter with a Prozac-snorting klown)
* WEDDINGS/FUNERALS (Funerals always 1/2 price)
NOTE: And no, I do not perform for kids, damn it. I have a dread fear of children. Seriously. And while it's true that I only entertain adults, any assumption that I am in any way, shape or form a stripping klown is completely false. Trust me. I don't even like to see myself naked. And for the broken record, I am not an "evil," "psycho," or "killer" clown. Those are shallow and outdated clown stereotypes perpetuated by the mainstream media. I'm simply a sad - nay - depressed Prozac-snorting klown, just like you.
Serving select areas of Lo$ Angele$ only. Unless you want to shell out the funny money to fly me to your thrilling little event and back.
Raised (lowered is more like it) by foster parents as Shat-Upon the Anti-Clown in Shinola, IL, I later ran away and joined the circus that is Sh*tcago, where I hosted Hell, a WCBR FM radio show, and appeared on the idiot box in episodes of Wild
Chicago and The WGN Morning News (home of Bozo's Circus). I also found myself gloriously featured in "alternative" news weekly, New City (which, incidentally, makes a great litter box liner), as well as demoralized in cartoon form by sad illustrator/mad professor, Ivan Brunetti. However, after years of enduring heatstroke and frostbite, I'd had my fill of the Broken Windy City.
Following my move to Hollyw%d, I reverted to my birthname, FUgly the KlowN, and entered into litigation (which continues to this day) with my diabolical/biological deadbeat daddy and mommy dearest, Tony Clifton and Goria Steinem. (The nefarious Jo Anne Worley is another story.) There in the land of store-bought boobies, I denied being Andy Kaufman (especially after arriving at the Man on the Moon premiere in a super stretch limo) while I performed my "sit-down komedy" routine outside the Improv, Comedy Store, and Laugh Factory. The nascent days of online radio revealed me as the host of One Beat Off on LuxuriaMusic. (What an afterthought that was.) I also appeared, against my will, on Mark Ebner's Drastic Radio and L.A. cable cult classic, Call If You Dare with Mickey "Hey, F*cker!" Ramos. Later, my ass was featured cameo-style in Derailroaded, a film documentary about Larry "Wild Man" Fischer. Furthermore, I was sexually harassed/visually showcased on dotcomedy dot com's web series, Funny in Bed with Cara Jedell. Alas, the Mayor of La La Land asked me to leave, after I refused to have collagen injected into my frown, a situation I've since remedied.
Now, after snorting mountains of Prozac and stumbling upon true weirdness in Awe-stun, TX (where I hosted a weekly eponymous talk show as I hoisted the prirate radio flag on the dirty air waves of KAOS FM), I've finally come full circle and returned to my one true home, under the 'Y' in the Hollyw%d sign. And so the twisted tale continues to contort. Stay tuned for yours untruly to infiltrate your boob tube, so to speak. In the meantime, hire me so I can maintain my serious Prozac habit. Seriously.
FUGLY FACTOIDS: FUgly once failed a fothermucking audition for The New Gong Show. He was then eliminated in the eleventh hour as a goddamn contestant on Win Ben Stein's Money. The klown with the frown had the further distinction of being the proverbial nail in the coffin of failed dot com start-up, Comedy World 1050 AM, after they promised him his own show. FUgly also was unceremoniously booted from the Tinsel Town offices of KLSX FM by big shot Program Director, Jack "The Ego" Silver, even though FUg had been hired to be on the premises by an intrepid KLSX employee. Does the fun ever start? Does the hell ever shart?
* denotes "obscene" vowel as per the F.u.C.k.C.